I already knew about the regular sort of guilt - the legitimate feelings experienced because of things done or not done, said or not said. I tell myself that we forgave regular guilt on the last night.
However, recently I've began to experience the guilt of simply being alive. I've heard people talk about this (one member of the League of Lost Husbands mentioned it) but I never really understood.
Now when watching TV shows that she liked I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt. Same thing when I fix food that she might have liked (although by the time I started fixing the food she didn't like much). It is not a constant thing and I know that this guilt (unlike the regular guilt for which forgiveness was supposedly offered) is not legitimate; but still.
I suppose it is like surviving a battle where you watch your companion fall and then feel guilty because it was her and not you.
(Of course this battle is not over yet and in the end will claim us all. I suppose there is some solace in that.)
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